I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
