I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
