WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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