I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
