dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
