I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
