Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
