I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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