Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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