So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
