Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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