Tell her she can't have a vagina
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Oh god it's open bar.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
