Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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