Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
