We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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