dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
As shirtless as possible
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize