I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
