You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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