he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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