Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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