It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
i think my cat just said my name.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
