they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
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I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
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I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
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