I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
