My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
