6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
