If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
