my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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