I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
