If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
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