There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
