so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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