Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
