forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
