Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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