dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
