I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Randomize
