I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
