My friends, they love my intelligence
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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