Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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