my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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