wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
