If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
