In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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