I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
