Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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