If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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