last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
