Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
