apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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