I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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