Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
