the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
