He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
