i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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