I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
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It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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