i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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