Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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