You just made me feel so damn special
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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