She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
