I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
