The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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