there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
